[ He didn't--oh. He didn't know. Sam isn't sure if it's an important detail or not, what with their inability to stay permanently dead. He nods slowly. Nick had been a mess, and understandably so, but Sam was honestly thankful for the time he'd gotten to speak to the man. The knowledge that there was someone inside there besides the archangel, someone human and suffering is something Sam can't forget. He'd like to save Nick too, if he can, but he's not sure if it's too late for that.
Really, is Sam Winchester capable of saving anything at this point? Maybe this is why he seems to say "yes" in every reality. There's no where left to go. ]
I watched you die, and--...then he did the same to me. [ A pleasant memory? Hardly. Dean's bullet to his chest was practically a mercy killing in between. Now Sam understood the wrath of angels and just how bloody and gruesome this battle has become. All these things he'd been trying to avoid for everyone--ironically, that included Lucifer by proxy, even if that wasn't necessarily Sam's goal. ]
[Lucifer's anger, at this point, had faded into something in the background. It was pushed aside, if not forgotten, and Sam's admission about speaking with Lucifer's current vessel was, at best, perplexing.]
Why?
[It's not that he didn't understand that Nick was human, and that Sam would eventually serve the same purpose, he just didn't draw any connection there. The idea that they would have literally anything to talk about was baffling to the archangel. Communication between them was, in every sense, unnecessary.
The answer, of course, was available to Lucifer. At least, he thought it was, but Nick had no memories of his waking time after Lucifer's death. That entire week was a blank for the archangel and, it was becoming rapidly apparent, that was a considerable loss.]
[ Why? Why is that even a question? It should be obvious, at least it feels that way to Sam, but in the end it's not that surprising that Lucifer can't connect the dots on his own. Sam isn't sure if it's an unwillingness to simply try and understand or an inability. Sam wants to think it's just the latter. ]
...Because he's going through exactly what you want me to go through. [ Why wouldn't he want to talk to the man? To see how it is, to see how he's fairing? ]
I've wanted to since you told me his name. To see if he's okay.
[Lucifer's first instinct was to inform Sam that his experience would be very different from Nick's, but that assurance was pointless. Sam was so insistent that he wasn't going to say Yes, he wouldn't listen. The idea, though, that this was something Sam had wanted to do was new.
But that brought up another problem.]
You could have just asked, Sam. Waiting until after my demise was a touch unnecessary.
[True, it wasn't often that Angels willingly relinquished absolute control over their vessels, but there usually wasn't a reason to. Most of the time, the vessel had very little to contribute to whatever was going on, letting them up for air was...well, indulgent.]
But, in all fairness, Nick wasn't okay when he granted me control. You could chat if you really wanted but I doubt he's much improved. If you had a conversation with him, that's an impressive thing on its own.
[ That, admittedly, surprises Sam. His brows raise slightly, and although he's still on edge, he's clearly not considered that as an option before. But why wouldn't he? Lucifer seemed willing enough to indulge some of Sam's curiosities as long as it fell in with his greater purpose, although it's clear that the fact Sam would want to talk to Nick at all is new to Lucifer. ]
...I never considered it. [ He admits. That it was possible in the first place? ]
No, he didn't seem like it.
[ What Sam could garner is that Nick was and is a broken man. He figures that's partially what lead to his consent. What scares Sam is that he's beginning to feel like giving up too. ]
[Lucifer wasn't particularly fond of surrendering the spotlight in arguments about how he was wronged. However, given that he'd managed to put a great deal of the blame on himself, he was less reluctant to change topics. In his mind, Sam and Nick had very little in common. Beyond being human and being vessels capable of holding him, they shared nothing. Explaining Nick to Sam, therefore, had no risk and Lucifer didn't bother filtering the information.]
No, I didn't hurt Nick, that was all humanity.
[He tried to sound satisfied in that, but he was wearing the man. Lucifer had seen, all too clearly, the shape of Nick's loss. While it was immaterial to the archangel, there was also no point in being cruel to Nick. His existence had managed quite enough of that, as it was. Being cruel to Sam by describing this emotional train-wreck, however mild and petty that was, had slightly more reason behind it. It was just to make Sam uncomfortable, really, but he'd settle for that, for now.]
His beloved wife and infant were slaughtered in their beds, butchered by some human and left soaking into the floor. Nick was left alone in that cheerful little house and he didn't take it well. If I hadn't assumed control of him, he'd probably have drank himself to death.
[See how dissimilar you two are, Sam? And speaking of differences:]
You know, he actually asked me for something. Unlike you, Nick had no problem requesting what he really wanted, even before agreeing to anything. I'd have granted it for him, just like your requests, but he swung for the fences and it was beyond my abilities.
[ He hadn't known. Sam had no idea, but hearing it was just...awful. Sam doesn't feel differences, though--he feels empathy, a desire to try and right wrongs if he can and try to find a level of understanding with another human being who was hurting. Losing your family? No, Sam knew exactly what that feels like. Except what took his mother, Jess, and even their father away?
Demons. Not people. Demons. But Sam isn't so ignorant to realize that he's the constant common factor between all those who end up going before their time.
Sam swallows, his brows pushing together again. ]
That's awful.
[ It's not for you, Lucifer, it's for Nick. But Sam had found himself at the mercy of bad people before as well; he'd been kidnapped with the intent of being The Most Dangerous Game. He doesn't understand people sometimes, but saying that won't help his own case. ]
[Lucifer almost sounded pensive for a moment there, as he considered Nick's plight and how it had broken the man so very completely. He pitied Nick, and was angry that such a slight had been allowed, that God had let something like that unfold. It was his whole argument, humanity's flaws so obvious and inflicted so severely. But that was for another time.]
Nick wanted me to bring back his family.
[It wasn't surprising, really. His desperation was born from a lack of them and the way he'd crumbled when Lucifer took the face of his wife had been so piteous. Nick was so small and God had done such terrible things to him.]
I can raise the dead, of course, it's not all that complicated...but Nick's wife and child weren't...in my wheelhouse.
[Something in his vessel's chest tightened sharply, an odd phenomenon given how absolute Lucifer's control was. He pressed a hand, absently, over the spike of pain and continued on.]
If you were expecting tales of horror, of my malice and torment of poor old Nick, you'll find them a bit lacking. You see, what you don't seem to grasp is that I uphold my bargains, Sam.
I didn't coerce Nick, I didn't force him to agree. I won't force you, either.
And yet your distrust runs so deep that you knowingly help me relive the only thing I fear. It's very...disappointing.
[ It is heartbreaking. Of course he'd want his family back--the people you've lost, the ones that mean the most to you. What Sam wouldn't give to see Jess alive and well, but if there's anything he's learned from his experiences is that what's dead should stay dead. And that includes himself.
Still, he gets the message. Sam breaks eye contact, his jaw tensing in a stereotypical sign of an inner struggle. Sam doesn't want to make friends, but he doesn't want to enrage Lucifer anymore than he already is, especially if he's unwilling to fulfill his threats on Sam. He refuses to let anyone else become a target.
And maybe there's a part of him that needs to lay some of his guilt out on the table. And he's not sharing that with Dean. ]
I trusted you to keep your end of the bargain. [ He looks back up. He did realize that when Lucifer let both Dean's double team him back in the church that Lucifer would be true to his word. But... ] ...I just didn't expect Michael to go that far. Or for you not to even--
[ Defend himself? ]
I didn't want that to happen.
[Yes, he wants to defeat Lucifer. He has to. He will either succeed or die, that's all there is to it. But what happened wasn't stopping anything. No, it set things back and Sam is at a loss of how to carry things forward or just to stop all together. ]
[Lucifer peered at Sam, Nick's head gradually tilted as he examined him. After a long moment of silence, Lucifer righted his borrowed body and let out a slow, quiet hum. Sam was telling the truth, he was being sincere. Lucifer was still mad, in that way that people who are hurt deeply by a misstep often were, but Sam had never been quite this...open.
This behavior was deserving of some reward, however slight.]
I shouldn't hold Nick's request against you, I suppose. Jess is outside my abilities to raise, as well. You never asked, but I couldn't have granted it if you had.
[They'd come to this point because Sam was perpetually trying to defeat him, to diffuse the future as soon as possible. Sam's stubbornness had one source and it persisted even here. He refused to say "Yes," refused to end the world. It was almost funny how much duress the human put on himself, how dark the path looked with only part of the information on hand.]
You didn't ask why Nick said "Yes" to me, if I couldn't grant his wish...and you've never asked why you say it, either.
[ The mention of Jess sends a cold kill up and down his spine. He never says her name out loud, no one does. No one who knows her, no one he wants to share her with. It's like a sacred word only to be uttered in reverence, not by the devil. But more than that, it brings back the tangible reminder that her death was his fault. If she hadn't met him, she'd still be around, gracing the world with her love and insight. Someone more deserving than him could have basked in her radiance, someone...
A part of Sam will always love Jessica. That's something he can't reconcile and honestly? He doesn't want to.
But does Sam want to know? He imagines grief is what drove Nick to it, perhaps simply not caring what happens after that...or perhaps its much more simple than that; revenge. It's a palpable driving force that has moved Sam many miles in the past. He's in no place to judge.
Sam hesitates for a moment, rubbing the sores on his neck. ]
Nick, he was alone. He wanted revenge on God, he wanted his suffering to end, and I offered it, and so he's here.
[Lucifer paused and motioned to Sam with Nick's index finger.]
You, though, you held out. You held out for a long time, Sam. You even held out when you agreed.
[Lucifer let Nick's hand fall back to his side and drew a deep breath. The smile that spread across his face was wan but still honestly amused.]
You didn't want anything, you were high as a kite and challenged me to one round in your head, winner take all. It was most certainly a trick, you and that brother of yours had something clever in mind, I'm sure, but you had no intention of submitting.
[ Revenge, yes. But on God? That's not something Sam could--...well. Maybe he could understand. His life feels terribly unfair, and yet at the same time he almost feels like he's earned it. It's a mixture of wanting better and not feeling like he's worth the effort. If someone has to do this, then why not him?
What Lucifer is saying, though...
Sam's eyes widen slightly, the tension visible in his face. Dean said that they come out on top, the other Dean, the one who didn't follow. But is that...is that his trump card? He says "yes" and hopes he can handle it? His adam's apple bobs up and down as he swallows, processing the new information and for once not even bothering to react to the implications that Lucifer seems to draw from his actions.
Could he, would he do that? Go for broke, one last attempt?
What really scares him is that even years in the past as he is, even as he goes over the possibilities, Sam realizes that yes, he would. If there was no other option, if the world was coming to an end, the train flying towards the station with no sign of slowing down. One chance to throw down the emergency breaks? He'd take it.
He already feels like he doesn't have much left.
But wait. ]
...You're speaking in past-tense.
[ Not "you will". "It was, you were, you had..." It's...already happened? Sam has said "yes" and he's riding Nick? ]
[ "That's news to me" is the lower road he could take with that statement, but it's hardly what really is confusing Sam right now. His stare is suspicious at best, uncertain and searching. Inconvenient for Lucifer, of course, but there's something that just doesn't line up for all Sam is attempting. ]
But--
[ He doesn't want to tempt fate, but is this really tempting it? Lucifer is the one to bring it to his attention. ]
[For the second time over the course of this conversation, Lucifer shot Sam a confused look. He'd already explained this, over and over, nearly every time they spoke. Had Sam not been paying attention?]
I want you to understand.
[He wanted Sam to know him, to see their similarities, and though he wouldn't ever quantify or articulate it, empathize with him. Sam was created, through explicit intervention for thousands of years, to be the only creature who could really understand him. Sam was an echo of him, as he had been and as he was. He was supposed to get it, all of it.
He wasn't supposed to hate him on principle.]
I've told you this. [A touch of irritation settled in Nick's face and Lucifer's tone.] Unless you mean your body--but, really, Sam? The rules for consenting are open for interpretation but I don't employ them that liberally.
[ Understand. Yes, he's heard that before. Lucifer wants him to understand, to empathize, to agree that they're one and the same. Not necessarily like, which is something Sam realizes what he's been trying to avoid more than anything. Because at the center of it all, Sam too feels he needs to understand Lucifer, to try and analyze the pieces and figure out where he can turn the future into something else.
But maybe where he's failing is he's doing some of the same...he's projecting how he might handle things onto angels, his dynamic with his brother on theirs. It doesn't work that way and Sam hadn't even realized the extent he was doing it. It's a chilling thought. ]
Understanding and agreeing aren't the same.
[ So Lucifer needs to hear "Yes" from any incarnation of Sam. Well, that's rather generous but he'll take it without argument. Maybe it's more of an ego-feeding than anything else. ]
[Sam's point was lost on Lucifer. Understanding, inevitably, meant agreement there was no other possibility. Sam could only claim otherwise because he didn't understand. Unfortunately, Sam's next question was a topic that made Lucifer ill at ease.
As a rule he hated humans, hated humanity, but as with disagreeable aspects in his angelic brothers, there were occasionally agreeable pieces of humanity. This galled him, but he didn't lie.]
Nick...does his best in my service. I am angry on his behalf, and I pity his circumstances.
[But that wasn't exactly an answer.]
I suppose, in a way, I like him.
[As for the other question, Lucifer was beginning to take real offense. He had informed Nick, he'd warned him, but that wasn't what Sam was asking. Sam wanted to know if he had done this, if Nick's understanding had mattered as much as Sam's own. It hadn't. Trivializing the situation by implying it could was irritating.]
He understood as well as any human can. He's not like you, Sam. You're the only one who can truly grasp it.
[ The only one. That's what he keeps hearing, but he isn't sure if that's really the case. He's the one Lucifer feels should understand him, and to some extent, Sam believes that he does. His impressions have certainly changed from their initial encounter. Lucifer isn't just a looming presence, The Big Bad, a character from scripture. He is, as one might put it, a person as much as an angel can be considered one. His motivations aren't terribly foreign, it's his actions that are. ]
Have you considered there are other people out there who aren't that different...?
[ People who deserve a reprieve, not damnation. ]
I...get you. [ In some strange way, yes, he does. Okay, he'll admit that, much but to Sam there's still a long way to go from understanding another's point of view and thinking it's valid. ] But we're not the same.
[There was a strange moment, as Lucifer regarded Sam, where the angel ran through everything he knew about the human. Sam didn't like him, the elder or the younger, they fought him tooth and nail, capitulation wasn't in them. That was one of the things that made them most alike. So...why had there been so many concessions, one another the other?
Sam knew he was angry, understood why, and felt at fault for it. That explained some but not all of his manageability. Had strangling him really proven so effective? Was violence what Sam needed so that he could understand? It fit with the rest of what Lucifer knew, but seemed too...simple.
This was odd.
Lucifer frowned thoughtfully.
Apart from that oddity, Sam's point was banal. He'd repeated it over and over and Lucifer had answered it with various facets of the truth. He was getting limited in what faces were left, but that made little difference.]
From Nick? Oh, yes, apart from his capacity to contain an archangel, Nick is just a part of the rabble. He's normal, boring, uninspiring, utterly human.
I'm sure there are millions like him.
[Whether this meant Lucifer's hatred extended even to Nick, or that his general like of someone didn't exempt them from his wrath, was hard to say. Lucifer left it vague as he abruptly switched the topic.]
Do you enjoy advocating for them, Sam? Constantly defending them? Even knowing you're not included in the group? You've known hundreds, thousands of them, I doubt all of them were like Nick.
[ A deflation of his own ego certainly helps, but the truth of the matter is that Sam feels he's running out of options. He's feeling horribly defeated, and a part of him believes having Lucifer just choke him to death would be simpler than having this conversation. Of course, Sam is the one who didn't just let it end on an open-ended "we'll see what happens" that Lucifer seemed to be able to do. It would have been an easy out. Why didn't he take it?
He tried to hide it last time, he tried to play a game and twist it to his own advantage. It had lost him Dean more than once, Cas nearly, and put him in his own uncomfortable position of getting to know the devil. He thought he'd been doing the right thing, but now he's worried that each person he's named might be at risk. Lucifer has no reason to hold back now, after all. And he gets that; he's angry, he did exactly what Sam asked and he got punished for it. He does get it.
He gets the bones, the logic. He understands.
Attempts to be congenial are, for most intents and purposes, Sam's own desire to try take air from the flames. If Lucifer leaves a little less angry perhaps this place won't suddenly turn into another recreation of the hotel during that blizzard. Sam knows what angels are capable of now, and this time he doesn't feel like he has any sway over the circumstances.
He never realized how stupidly comfortable he'd become with his decisions. Comfortable with making a deal with Lucifer. No wonder Dean was mad. ]
But I am. I've met people, good people, and they deserve to live. [ He exhales sharply, his frown deepening. ] I know I messed up. Just...that's between you and me. No one else.
[Sam was negotiating. That was why he was being so willing. At once, Lucifer was torn. He was angry with Sam, that he was attempting the same thing, to ply Lucifer's favor to his will, but could he really hold that against him. After all, that was what he would do.
The archangel stared Sam down and let out a quiet hum. After a long, tense silence, Lucifer shifted and drew Nick up to his full posture.]
I suppose it can be. [Sam had asked for something, insofar as he ever did. If he was going to take it out on Sam, his anger, his frustration, well...perhaps he would have to take it out on Sam.]
[ It's a relief as much as one can be. As long as he can keep the brunt of Lucifer's frustration pointed in his direction, well, that's all he can ask for, isn't it? He's died twice now, both times because of his association with Lucifer. What's one or ten more?
It's easy to think that way when you're not faced with it. Sam thought he'd been prepared to die but still fought it. Regardless, it's the preferable outcome. Though he will never be not on guard around Lucifer, a smidgen of the tension in his shoulders dissipates. ]
Thank you.
[ For now. He'll take it. However long "now" lasts. ]
[Lucifer didn't respond to Sam's thanks, they were a given. It was a mild promise and one that didn't involve any concrete terms. At the moment, it was the best Lucifer was willing to do. His anger with Sam was still festering, but it had cooled over the course of the conversation.
No, instead of answering, Lucifer simply turned and left. He vanished and the thunderous beating of wings followed after him.]
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no subject
Really, is Sam Winchester capable of saving anything at this point? Maybe this is why he seems to say "yes" in every reality. There's no where left to go. ]
I watched you die, and--...then he did the same to me. [ A pleasant memory? Hardly. Dean's bullet to his chest was practically a mercy killing in between. Now Sam understood the wrath of angels and just how bloody and gruesome this battle has become. All these things he'd been trying to avoid for everyone--ironically, that included Lucifer by proxy, even if that wasn't necessarily Sam's goal. ]
I spoke to Nick.
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Why?
[It's not that he didn't understand that Nick was human, and that Sam would eventually serve the same purpose, he just didn't draw any connection there. The idea that they would have literally anything to talk about was baffling to the archangel. Communication between them was, in every sense, unnecessary.
The answer, of course, was available to Lucifer. At least, he thought it was, but Nick had no memories of his waking time after Lucifer's death. That entire week was a blank for the archangel and, it was becoming rapidly apparent, that was a considerable loss.]
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...Because he's going through exactly what you want me to go through. [ Why wouldn't he want to talk to the man? To see how it is, to see how he's fairing? ]
I've wanted to since you told me his name. To see if he's okay.
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But that brought up another problem.]
You could have just asked, Sam. Waiting until after my demise was a touch unnecessary.
[True, it wasn't often that Angels willingly relinquished absolute control over their vessels, but there usually wasn't a reason to. Most of the time, the vessel had very little to contribute to whatever was going on, letting them up for air was...well, indulgent.]
But, in all fairness, Nick wasn't okay when he granted me control. You could chat if you really wanted but I doubt he's much improved. If you had a conversation with him, that's an impressive thing on its own.
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...I never considered it. [ He admits. That it was possible in the first place? ]
No, he didn't seem like it.
[ What Sam could garner is that Nick was and is a broken man. He figures that's partially what lead to his consent. What scares Sam is that he's beginning to feel like giving up too. ]
I though it was you. At first.
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No, I didn't hurt Nick, that was all humanity.
[He tried to sound satisfied in that, but he was wearing the man. Lucifer had seen, all too clearly, the shape of Nick's loss. While it was immaterial to the archangel, there was also no point in being cruel to Nick. His existence had managed quite enough of that, as it was. Being cruel to Sam by describing this emotional train-wreck, however mild and petty that was, had slightly more reason behind it. It was just to make Sam uncomfortable, really, but he'd settle for that, for now.]
His beloved wife and infant were slaughtered in their beds, butchered by some human and left soaking into the floor. Nick was left alone in that cheerful little house and he didn't take it well. If I hadn't assumed control of him, he'd probably have drank himself to death.
[See how dissimilar you two are, Sam? And speaking of differences:]
You know, he actually asked me for something. Unlike you, Nick had no problem requesting what he really wanted, even before agreeing to anything. I'd have granted it for him, just like your requests, but he swung for the fences and it was beyond my abilities.
no subject
Demons. Not people. Demons. But Sam isn't so ignorant to realize that he's the constant common factor between all those who end up going before their time.
Sam swallows, his brows pushing together again. ]
That's awful.
[ It's not for you, Lucifer, it's for Nick. But Sam had found himself at the mercy of bad people before as well; he'd been kidnapped with the intent of being The Most Dangerous Game. He doesn't understand people sometimes, but saying that won't help his own case. ]
What did he ask for?
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[Lucifer almost sounded pensive for a moment there, as he considered Nick's plight and how it had broken the man so very completely. He pitied Nick, and was angry that such a slight had been allowed, that God had let something like that unfold. It was his whole argument, humanity's flaws so obvious and inflicted so severely. But that was for another time.]
Nick wanted me to bring back his family.
[It wasn't surprising, really. His desperation was born from a lack of them and the way he'd crumbled when Lucifer took the face of his wife had been so piteous. Nick was so small and God had done such terrible things to him.]
I can raise the dead, of course, it's not all that complicated...but Nick's wife and child weren't...in my wheelhouse.
[Something in his vessel's chest tightened sharply, an odd phenomenon given how absolute Lucifer's control was. He pressed a hand, absently, over the spike of pain and continued on.]
If you were expecting tales of horror, of my malice and torment of poor old Nick, you'll find them a bit lacking. You see, what you don't seem to grasp is that I uphold my bargains, Sam.
I didn't coerce Nick, I didn't force him to agree. I won't force you, either.
And yet your distrust runs so deep that you knowingly help me relive the only thing I fear. It's very...disappointing.
no subject
Still, he gets the message. Sam breaks eye contact, his jaw tensing in a stereotypical sign of an inner struggle. Sam doesn't want to make friends, but he doesn't want to enrage Lucifer anymore than he already is, especially if he's unwilling to fulfill his threats on Sam. He refuses to let anyone else become a target.
And maybe there's a part of him that needs to lay some of his guilt out on the table. And he's not sharing that with Dean. ]
I trusted you to keep your end of the bargain. [ He looks back up. He did realize that when Lucifer let both Dean's double team him back in the church that Lucifer would be true to his word. But... ] ...I just didn't expect Michael to go that far. Or for you not to even--
[ Defend himself? ]
I didn't want that to happen.
[Yes, he wants to defeat Lucifer. He has to. He will either succeed or die, that's all there is to it. But what happened wasn't stopping anything. No, it set things back and Sam is at a loss of how to carry things forward or just to stop all together. ]
It's my fault.
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This behavior was deserving of some reward, however slight.]
I shouldn't hold Nick's request against you, I suppose. Jess is outside my abilities to raise, as well. You never asked, but I couldn't have granted it if you had.
[They'd come to this point because Sam was perpetually trying to defeat him, to diffuse the future as soon as possible. Sam's stubbornness had one source and it persisted even here. He refused to say "Yes," refused to end the world. It was almost funny how much duress the human put on himself, how dark the path looked with only part of the information on hand.]
You didn't ask why Nick said "Yes" to me, if I couldn't grant his wish...and you've never asked why you say it, either.
Do you want to know, Sam?
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A part of Sam will always love Jessica. That's something he can't reconcile and honestly? He doesn't want to.
But does Sam want to know? He imagines grief is what drove Nick to it, perhaps simply not caring what happens after that...or perhaps its much more simple than that; revenge. It's a palpable driving force that has moved Sam many miles in the past. He's in no place to judge.
Sam hesitates for a moment, rubbing the sores on his neck. ]
Yeah. I do.
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Nick, he was alone. He wanted revenge on God, he wanted his suffering to end, and I offered it, and so he's here.
[Lucifer paused and motioned to Sam with Nick's index finger.]
You, though, you held out. You held out for a long time, Sam. You even held out when you agreed.
[Lucifer let Nick's hand fall back to his side and drew a deep breath. The smile that spread across his face was wan but still honestly amused.]
You didn't want anything, you were high as a kite and challenged me to one round in your head, winner take all. It was most certainly a trick, you and that brother of yours had something clever in mind, I'm sure, but you had no intention of submitting.
Yet another way we're alike.
no subject
What Lucifer is saying, though...
Sam's eyes widen slightly, the tension visible in his face. Dean said that they come out on top, the other Dean, the one who didn't follow. But is that...is that his trump card? He says "yes" and hopes he can handle it? His adam's apple bobs up and down as he swallows, processing the new information and for once not even bothering to react to the implications that Lucifer seems to draw from his actions.
Could he, would he do that? Go for broke, one last attempt?
What really scares him is that even years in the past as he is, even as he goes over the possibilities, Sam realizes that yes, he would. If there was no other option, if the world was coming to an end, the train flying towards the station with no sign of slowing down. One chance to throw down the emergency breaks? He'd take it.
He already feels like he doesn't have much left.
But wait. ]
...You're speaking in past-tense.
[ Not "you will". "It was, you were, you had..." It's...already happened? Sam has said "yes" and he's riding Nick? ]
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Because you've already said "Yes". Unfortunately, someone decided to send me to our little sandbox city as I left Nick.
[Lucifer looked back at Sam and the bleak landscape of this new sandbox. If there was something to be learned, he hadn't discovered the message.]
The timing was deeply, deeply inconvenient, but hardly surprising. It isn't the first time God has intervened on your behalf.
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But--
[ He doesn't want to tempt fate, but is this really tempting it? Lucifer is the one to bring it to his attention. ]
--if I've already said "Yes', why bother?
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I want you to understand.
[He wanted Sam to know him, to see their similarities, and though he wouldn't ever quantify or articulate it, empathize with him. Sam was created, through explicit intervention for thousands of years, to be the only creature who could really understand him. Sam was an echo of him, as he had been and as he was. He was supposed to get it, all of it.
He wasn't supposed to hate him on principle.]
I've told you this. [A touch of irritation settled in Nick's face and Lucifer's tone.] Unless you mean your body--but, really, Sam? The rules for consenting are open for interpretation but I don't employ them that liberally.
no subject
But maybe where he's failing is he's doing some of the same...he's projecting how he might handle things onto angels, his dynamic with his brother on theirs. It doesn't work that way and Sam hadn't even realized the extent he was doing it. It's a chilling thought. ]
Understanding and agreeing aren't the same.
[ So Lucifer needs to hear "Yes" from any incarnation of Sam. Well, that's rather generous but he'll take it without argument. Maybe it's more of an ego-feeding than anything else. ]
...Do you like Nick? Does he understand?
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As a rule he hated humans, hated humanity, but as with disagreeable aspects in his angelic brothers, there were occasionally agreeable pieces of humanity. This galled him, but he didn't lie.]
Nick...does his best in my service. I am angry on his behalf, and I pity his circumstances.
[But that wasn't exactly an answer.]
I suppose, in a way, I like him.
[As for the other question, Lucifer was beginning to take real offense. He had informed Nick, he'd warned him, but that wasn't what Sam was asking. Sam wanted to know if he had done this, if Nick's understanding had mattered as much as Sam's own. It hadn't. Trivializing the situation by implying it could was irritating.]
He understood as well as any human can. He's not like you, Sam. You're the only one who can truly grasp it.
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Have you considered there are other people out there who aren't that different...?
[ People who deserve a reprieve, not damnation. ]
I...get you. [ In some strange way, yes, he does. Okay, he'll admit that, much but to Sam there's still a long way to go from understanding another's point of view and thinking it's valid. ] But we're not the same.
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Sam knew he was angry, understood why, and felt at fault for it. That explained some but not all of his manageability. Had strangling him really proven so effective? Was violence what Sam needed so that he could understand? It fit with the rest of what Lucifer knew, but seemed too...simple.
This was odd.
Lucifer frowned thoughtfully.
Apart from that oddity, Sam's point was banal. He'd repeated it over and over and Lucifer had answered it with various facets of the truth. He was getting limited in what faces were left, but that made little difference.]
From Nick? Oh, yes, apart from his capacity to contain an archangel, Nick is just a part of the rabble. He's normal, boring, uninspiring, utterly human.
I'm sure there are millions like him.
[Whether this meant Lucifer's hatred extended even to Nick, or that his general like of someone didn't exempt them from his wrath, was hard to say. Lucifer left it vague as he abruptly switched the topic.]
Do you enjoy advocating for them, Sam? Constantly defending them? Even knowing you're not included in the group? You've known hundreds, thousands of them, I doubt all of them were like Nick.
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He tried to hide it last time, he tried to play a game and twist it to his own advantage. It had lost him Dean more than once, Cas nearly, and put him in his own uncomfortable position of getting to know the devil. He thought he'd been doing the right thing, but now he's worried that each person he's named might be at risk. Lucifer has no reason to hold back now, after all. And he gets that; he's angry, he did exactly what Sam asked and he got punished for it. He does get it.
He gets the bones, the logic. He understands.
Attempts to be congenial are, for most intents and purposes, Sam's own desire to try take air from the flames. If Lucifer leaves a little less angry perhaps this place won't suddenly turn into another recreation of the hotel during that blizzard. Sam knows what angels are capable of now, and this time he doesn't feel like he has any sway over the circumstances.
He never realized how stupidly comfortable he'd become with his decisions. Comfortable with making a deal with Lucifer. No wonder Dean was mad. ]
But I am. I've met people, good people, and they deserve to live. [ He exhales sharply, his frown deepening. ] I know I messed up. Just...that's between you and me. No one else.
[ Please don't take it out on anyone else. ]
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The archangel stared Sam down and let out a quiet hum. After a long, tense silence, Lucifer shifted and drew Nick up to his full posture.]
I suppose it can be. [Sam had asked for something, insofar as he ever did. If he was going to take it out on Sam, his anger, his frustration, well...perhaps he would have to take it out on Sam.]
For now.
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It's easy to think that way when you're not faced with it. Sam thought he'd been prepared to die but still fought it. Regardless, it's the preferable outcome. Though he will never be not on guard around Lucifer, a smidgen of the tension in his shoulders dissipates. ]
Thank you.
[ For now. He'll take it. However long "now" lasts. ]
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No, instead of answering, Lucifer simply turned and left. He vanished and the thunderous beating of wings followed after him.]