[Lucifer peered at Sam, Nick's head gradually tilted as he examined him. After a long moment of silence, Lucifer righted his borrowed body and let out a slow, quiet hum. Sam was telling the truth, he was being sincere. Lucifer was still mad, in that way that people who are hurt deeply by a misstep often were, but Sam had never been quite this...open.
This behavior was deserving of some reward, however slight.]
I shouldn't hold Nick's request against you, I suppose. Jess is outside my abilities to raise, as well. You never asked, but I couldn't have granted it if you had.
[They'd come to this point because Sam was perpetually trying to defeat him, to diffuse the future as soon as possible. Sam's stubbornness had one source and it persisted even here. He refused to say "Yes," refused to end the world. It was almost funny how much duress the human put on himself, how dark the path looked with only part of the information on hand.]
You didn't ask why Nick said "Yes" to me, if I couldn't grant his wish...and you've never asked why you say it, either.
[ The mention of Jess sends a cold kill up and down his spine. He never says her name out loud, no one does. No one who knows her, no one he wants to share her with. It's like a sacred word only to be uttered in reverence, not by the devil. But more than that, it brings back the tangible reminder that her death was his fault. If she hadn't met him, she'd still be around, gracing the world with her love and insight. Someone more deserving than him could have basked in her radiance, someone...
A part of Sam will always love Jessica. That's something he can't reconcile and honestly? He doesn't want to.
But does Sam want to know? He imagines grief is what drove Nick to it, perhaps simply not caring what happens after that...or perhaps its much more simple than that; revenge. It's a palpable driving force that has moved Sam many miles in the past. He's in no place to judge.
Sam hesitates for a moment, rubbing the sores on his neck. ]
Nick, he was alone. He wanted revenge on God, he wanted his suffering to end, and I offered it, and so he's here.
[Lucifer paused and motioned to Sam with Nick's index finger.]
You, though, you held out. You held out for a long time, Sam. You even held out when you agreed.
[Lucifer let Nick's hand fall back to his side and drew a deep breath. The smile that spread across his face was wan but still honestly amused.]
You didn't want anything, you were high as a kite and challenged me to one round in your head, winner take all. It was most certainly a trick, you and that brother of yours had something clever in mind, I'm sure, but you had no intention of submitting.
[ Revenge, yes. But on God? That's not something Sam could--...well. Maybe he could understand. His life feels terribly unfair, and yet at the same time he almost feels like he's earned it. It's a mixture of wanting better and not feeling like he's worth the effort. If someone has to do this, then why not him?
What Lucifer is saying, though...
Sam's eyes widen slightly, the tension visible in his face. Dean said that they come out on top, the other Dean, the one who didn't follow. But is that...is that his trump card? He says "yes" and hopes he can handle it? His adam's apple bobs up and down as he swallows, processing the new information and for once not even bothering to react to the implications that Lucifer seems to draw from his actions.
Could he, would he do that? Go for broke, one last attempt?
What really scares him is that even years in the past as he is, even as he goes over the possibilities, Sam realizes that yes, he would. If there was no other option, if the world was coming to an end, the train flying towards the station with no sign of slowing down. One chance to throw down the emergency breaks? He'd take it.
He already feels like he doesn't have much left.
But wait. ]
...You're speaking in past-tense.
[ Not "you will". "It was, you were, you had..." It's...already happened? Sam has said "yes" and he's riding Nick? ]
[ "That's news to me" is the lower road he could take with that statement, but it's hardly what really is confusing Sam right now. His stare is suspicious at best, uncertain and searching. Inconvenient for Lucifer, of course, but there's something that just doesn't line up for all Sam is attempting. ]
But--
[ He doesn't want to tempt fate, but is this really tempting it? Lucifer is the one to bring it to his attention. ]
[For the second time over the course of this conversation, Lucifer shot Sam a confused look. He'd already explained this, over and over, nearly every time they spoke. Had Sam not been paying attention?]
I want you to understand.
[He wanted Sam to know him, to see their similarities, and though he wouldn't ever quantify or articulate it, empathize with him. Sam was created, through explicit intervention for thousands of years, to be the only creature who could really understand him. Sam was an echo of him, as he had been and as he was. He was supposed to get it, all of it.
He wasn't supposed to hate him on principle.]
I've told you this. [A touch of irritation settled in Nick's face and Lucifer's tone.] Unless you mean your body--but, really, Sam? The rules for consenting are open for interpretation but I don't employ them that liberally.
[ Understand. Yes, he's heard that before. Lucifer wants him to understand, to empathize, to agree that they're one and the same. Not necessarily like, which is something Sam realizes what he's been trying to avoid more than anything. Because at the center of it all, Sam too feels he needs to understand Lucifer, to try and analyze the pieces and figure out where he can turn the future into something else.
But maybe where he's failing is he's doing some of the same...he's projecting how he might handle things onto angels, his dynamic with his brother on theirs. It doesn't work that way and Sam hadn't even realized the extent he was doing it. It's a chilling thought. ]
Understanding and agreeing aren't the same.
[ So Lucifer needs to hear "Yes" from any incarnation of Sam. Well, that's rather generous but he'll take it without argument. Maybe it's more of an ego-feeding than anything else. ]
[Sam's point was lost on Lucifer. Understanding, inevitably, meant agreement there was no other possibility. Sam could only claim otherwise because he didn't understand. Unfortunately, Sam's next question was a topic that made Lucifer ill at ease.
As a rule he hated humans, hated humanity, but as with disagreeable aspects in his angelic brothers, there were occasionally agreeable pieces of humanity. This galled him, but he didn't lie.]
Nick...does his best in my service. I am angry on his behalf, and I pity his circumstances.
[But that wasn't exactly an answer.]
I suppose, in a way, I like him.
[As for the other question, Lucifer was beginning to take real offense. He had informed Nick, he'd warned him, but that wasn't what Sam was asking. Sam wanted to know if he had done this, if Nick's understanding had mattered as much as Sam's own. It hadn't. Trivializing the situation by implying it could was irritating.]
He understood as well as any human can. He's not like you, Sam. You're the only one who can truly grasp it.
[ The only one. That's what he keeps hearing, but he isn't sure if that's really the case. He's the one Lucifer feels should understand him, and to some extent, Sam believes that he does. His impressions have certainly changed from their initial encounter. Lucifer isn't just a looming presence, The Big Bad, a character from scripture. He is, as one might put it, a person as much as an angel can be considered one. His motivations aren't terribly foreign, it's his actions that are. ]
Have you considered there are other people out there who aren't that different...?
[ People who deserve a reprieve, not damnation. ]
I...get you. [ In some strange way, yes, he does. Okay, he'll admit that, much but to Sam there's still a long way to go from understanding another's point of view and thinking it's valid. ] But we're not the same.
[There was a strange moment, as Lucifer regarded Sam, where the angel ran through everything he knew about the human. Sam didn't like him, the elder or the younger, they fought him tooth and nail, capitulation wasn't in them. That was one of the things that made them most alike. So...why had there been so many concessions, one another the other?
Sam knew he was angry, understood why, and felt at fault for it. That explained some but not all of his manageability. Had strangling him really proven so effective? Was violence what Sam needed so that he could understand? It fit with the rest of what Lucifer knew, but seemed too...simple.
This was odd.
Lucifer frowned thoughtfully.
Apart from that oddity, Sam's point was banal. He'd repeated it over and over and Lucifer had answered it with various facets of the truth. He was getting limited in what faces were left, but that made little difference.]
From Nick? Oh, yes, apart from his capacity to contain an archangel, Nick is just a part of the rabble. He's normal, boring, uninspiring, utterly human.
I'm sure there are millions like him.
[Whether this meant Lucifer's hatred extended even to Nick, or that his general like of someone didn't exempt them from his wrath, was hard to say. Lucifer left it vague as he abruptly switched the topic.]
Do you enjoy advocating for them, Sam? Constantly defending them? Even knowing you're not included in the group? You've known hundreds, thousands of them, I doubt all of them were like Nick.
[ A deflation of his own ego certainly helps, but the truth of the matter is that Sam feels he's running out of options. He's feeling horribly defeated, and a part of him believes having Lucifer just choke him to death would be simpler than having this conversation. Of course, Sam is the one who didn't just let it end on an open-ended "we'll see what happens" that Lucifer seemed to be able to do. It would have been an easy out. Why didn't he take it?
He tried to hide it last time, he tried to play a game and twist it to his own advantage. It had lost him Dean more than once, Cas nearly, and put him in his own uncomfortable position of getting to know the devil. He thought he'd been doing the right thing, but now he's worried that each person he's named might be at risk. Lucifer has no reason to hold back now, after all. And he gets that; he's angry, he did exactly what Sam asked and he got punished for it. He does get it.
He gets the bones, the logic. He understands.
Attempts to be congenial are, for most intents and purposes, Sam's own desire to try take air from the flames. If Lucifer leaves a little less angry perhaps this place won't suddenly turn into another recreation of the hotel during that blizzard. Sam knows what angels are capable of now, and this time he doesn't feel like he has any sway over the circumstances.
He never realized how stupidly comfortable he'd become with his decisions. Comfortable with making a deal with Lucifer. No wonder Dean was mad. ]
But I am. I've met people, good people, and they deserve to live. [ He exhales sharply, his frown deepening. ] I know I messed up. Just...that's between you and me. No one else.
[Sam was negotiating. That was why he was being so willing. At once, Lucifer was torn. He was angry with Sam, that he was attempting the same thing, to ply Lucifer's favor to his will, but could he really hold that against him. After all, that was what he would do.
The archangel stared Sam down and let out a quiet hum. After a long, tense silence, Lucifer shifted and drew Nick up to his full posture.]
I suppose it can be. [Sam had asked for something, insofar as he ever did. If he was going to take it out on Sam, his anger, his frustration, well...perhaps he would have to take it out on Sam.]
[ It's a relief as much as one can be. As long as he can keep the brunt of Lucifer's frustration pointed in his direction, well, that's all he can ask for, isn't it? He's died twice now, both times because of his association with Lucifer. What's one or ten more?
It's easy to think that way when you're not faced with it. Sam thought he'd been prepared to die but still fought it. Regardless, it's the preferable outcome. Though he will never be not on guard around Lucifer, a smidgen of the tension in his shoulders dissipates. ]
Thank you.
[ For now. He'll take it. However long "now" lasts. ]
[Lucifer didn't respond to Sam's thanks, they were a given. It was a mild promise and one that didn't involve any concrete terms. At the moment, it was the best Lucifer was willing to do. His anger with Sam was still festering, but it had cooled over the course of the conversation.
No, instead of answering, Lucifer simply turned and left. He vanished and the thunderous beating of wings followed after him.]
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no subject
This behavior was deserving of some reward, however slight.]
I shouldn't hold Nick's request against you, I suppose. Jess is outside my abilities to raise, as well. You never asked, but I couldn't have granted it if you had.
[They'd come to this point because Sam was perpetually trying to defeat him, to diffuse the future as soon as possible. Sam's stubbornness had one source and it persisted even here. He refused to say "Yes," refused to end the world. It was almost funny how much duress the human put on himself, how dark the path looked with only part of the information on hand.]
You didn't ask why Nick said "Yes" to me, if I couldn't grant his wish...and you've never asked why you say it, either.
Do you want to know, Sam?
no subject
A part of Sam will always love Jessica. That's something he can't reconcile and honestly? He doesn't want to.
But does Sam want to know? He imagines grief is what drove Nick to it, perhaps simply not caring what happens after that...or perhaps its much more simple than that; revenge. It's a palpable driving force that has moved Sam many miles in the past. He's in no place to judge.
Sam hesitates for a moment, rubbing the sores on his neck. ]
Yeah. I do.
no subject
Nick, he was alone. He wanted revenge on God, he wanted his suffering to end, and I offered it, and so he's here.
[Lucifer paused and motioned to Sam with Nick's index finger.]
You, though, you held out. You held out for a long time, Sam. You even held out when you agreed.
[Lucifer let Nick's hand fall back to his side and drew a deep breath. The smile that spread across his face was wan but still honestly amused.]
You didn't want anything, you were high as a kite and challenged me to one round in your head, winner take all. It was most certainly a trick, you and that brother of yours had something clever in mind, I'm sure, but you had no intention of submitting.
Yet another way we're alike.
no subject
What Lucifer is saying, though...
Sam's eyes widen slightly, the tension visible in his face. Dean said that they come out on top, the other Dean, the one who didn't follow. But is that...is that his trump card? He says "yes" and hopes he can handle it? His adam's apple bobs up and down as he swallows, processing the new information and for once not even bothering to react to the implications that Lucifer seems to draw from his actions.
Could he, would he do that? Go for broke, one last attempt?
What really scares him is that even years in the past as he is, even as he goes over the possibilities, Sam realizes that yes, he would. If there was no other option, if the world was coming to an end, the train flying towards the station with no sign of slowing down. One chance to throw down the emergency breaks? He'd take it.
He already feels like he doesn't have much left.
But wait. ]
...You're speaking in past-tense.
[ Not "you will". "It was, you were, you had..." It's...already happened? Sam has said "yes" and he's riding Nick? ]
no subject
Because you've already said "Yes". Unfortunately, someone decided to send me to our little sandbox city as I left Nick.
[Lucifer looked back at Sam and the bleak landscape of this new sandbox. If there was something to be learned, he hadn't discovered the message.]
The timing was deeply, deeply inconvenient, but hardly surprising. It isn't the first time God has intervened on your behalf.
no subject
But--
[ He doesn't want to tempt fate, but is this really tempting it? Lucifer is the one to bring it to his attention. ]
--if I've already said "Yes', why bother?
no subject
I want you to understand.
[He wanted Sam to know him, to see their similarities, and though he wouldn't ever quantify or articulate it, empathize with him. Sam was created, through explicit intervention for thousands of years, to be the only creature who could really understand him. Sam was an echo of him, as he had been and as he was. He was supposed to get it, all of it.
He wasn't supposed to hate him on principle.]
I've told you this. [A touch of irritation settled in Nick's face and Lucifer's tone.] Unless you mean your body--but, really, Sam? The rules for consenting are open for interpretation but I don't employ them that liberally.
no subject
But maybe where he's failing is he's doing some of the same...he's projecting how he might handle things onto angels, his dynamic with his brother on theirs. It doesn't work that way and Sam hadn't even realized the extent he was doing it. It's a chilling thought. ]
Understanding and agreeing aren't the same.
[ So Lucifer needs to hear "Yes" from any incarnation of Sam. Well, that's rather generous but he'll take it without argument. Maybe it's more of an ego-feeding than anything else. ]
...Do you like Nick? Does he understand?
no subject
As a rule he hated humans, hated humanity, but as with disagreeable aspects in his angelic brothers, there were occasionally agreeable pieces of humanity. This galled him, but he didn't lie.]
Nick...does his best in my service. I am angry on his behalf, and I pity his circumstances.
[But that wasn't exactly an answer.]
I suppose, in a way, I like him.
[As for the other question, Lucifer was beginning to take real offense. He had informed Nick, he'd warned him, but that wasn't what Sam was asking. Sam wanted to know if he had done this, if Nick's understanding had mattered as much as Sam's own. It hadn't. Trivializing the situation by implying it could was irritating.]
He understood as well as any human can. He's not like you, Sam. You're the only one who can truly grasp it.
no subject
Have you considered there are other people out there who aren't that different...?
[ People who deserve a reprieve, not damnation. ]
I...get you. [ In some strange way, yes, he does. Okay, he'll admit that, much but to Sam there's still a long way to go from understanding another's point of view and thinking it's valid. ] But we're not the same.
no subject
Sam knew he was angry, understood why, and felt at fault for it. That explained some but not all of his manageability. Had strangling him really proven so effective? Was violence what Sam needed so that he could understand? It fit with the rest of what Lucifer knew, but seemed too...simple.
This was odd.
Lucifer frowned thoughtfully.
Apart from that oddity, Sam's point was banal. He'd repeated it over and over and Lucifer had answered it with various facets of the truth. He was getting limited in what faces were left, but that made little difference.]
From Nick? Oh, yes, apart from his capacity to contain an archangel, Nick is just a part of the rabble. He's normal, boring, uninspiring, utterly human.
I'm sure there are millions like him.
[Whether this meant Lucifer's hatred extended even to Nick, or that his general like of someone didn't exempt them from his wrath, was hard to say. Lucifer left it vague as he abruptly switched the topic.]
Do you enjoy advocating for them, Sam? Constantly defending them? Even knowing you're not included in the group? You've known hundreds, thousands of them, I doubt all of them were like Nick.
no subject
He tried to hide it last time, he tried to play a game and twist it to his own advantage. It had lost him Dean more than once, Cas nearly, and put him in his own uncomfortable position of getting to know the devil. He thought he'd been doing the right thing, but now he's worried that each person he's named might be at risk. Lucifer has no reason to hold back now, after all. And he gets that; he's angry, he did exactly what Sam asked and he got punished for it. He does get it.
He gets the bones, the logic. He understands.
Attempts to be congenial are, for most intents and purposes, Sam's own desire to try take air from the flames. If Lucifer leaves a little less angry perhaps this place won't suddenly turn into another recreation of the hotel during that blizzard. Sam knows what angels are capable of now, and this time he doesn't feel like he has any sway over the circumstances.
He never realized how stupidly comfortable he'd become with his decisions. Comfortable with making a deal with Lucifer. No wonder Dean was mad. ]
But I am. I've met people, good people, and they deserve to live. [ He exhales sharply, his frown deepening. ] I know I messed up. Just...that's between you and me. No one else.
[ Please don't take it out on anyone else. ]
no subject
The archangel stared Sam down and let out a quiet hum. After a long, tense silence, Lucifer shifted and drew Nick up to his full posture.]
I suppose it can be. [Sam had asked for something, insofar as he ever did. If he was going to take it out on Sam, his anger, his frustration, well...perhaps he would have to take it out on Sam.]
For now.
no subject
It's easy to think that way when you're not faced with it. Sam thought he'd been prepared to die but still fought it. Regardless, it's the preferable outcome. Though he will never be not on guard around Lucifer, a smidgen of the tension in his shoulders dissipates. ]
Thank you.
[ For now. He'll take it. However long "now" lasts. ]
no subject
No, instead of answering, Lucifer simply turned and left. He vanished and the thunderous beating of wings followed after him.]