I don't care. I fuckin' don't care, Sam-- but what I do care about? Your safety, you staying away from him which is exactly the opposite of what you've been doing all this time.
And to hear it from him, instead of you.
[ at least he's not trying to punch you anymore, instead his voice is setting itself into that quiet, toneless hiss. the weight of the situation slowly settling over his shoulders... ]
What did you think was going to happen? Were you just gonna be his bitch for the rest of our stay here?
Sam isn't sure what's worse; the fact that Dean had to learn it from the one creature they're trying to defeat or the fact that Sam honestly feels betrayed by something that he shouldn't have trust in at all. Sam swallows, still tense and not willing to test whether or not Dean feels like throwing more punches. ]
It's not like that-- [ He shakes his head, taking a step away from his brother. ] --I told him, I still tell him I'm not gonna say "yes". And I'm not. I promise.
[ the dismissal in his voice is definite. he doesn't trust sam, not one bit to not say yes. ]
I've heard that before.
[ and his brother had ended up saying yes, becoming lucifer's vessel, and been burned out just like that. dead in seconds, with dean left to hunt the monster down. ]
[ Of course he doesn't. And Sam can't blame him. It doesn't look good, which was a major reason for not saying anything. He locks his jaw, but doesn't take his eyes off Dean.
Did Dean ever believe him? ]
You want me to come clean?
[ He swallows, holding his arms out to each side; an open invitation for Dean to come at him if he wants. ]
[ that prompts a familiar smirk, lacking in all warmth and amusement. ]
Gonna feed me some new lie about hope and how this is a chance at something different? Fucking spare me, Sam. I don't care.
[ he's tempted to throw another punch or five, so tempted, but instead his fists remain at his sides, squeezing knuckle white. ]
And then run to him? What does he say, anyway? Something about not being so bad-- about how he's not the fuckin' monster that stole everything, who destroys lives left and right?
Edited (write/right same thing ok) 2014-01-19 23:52 (UTC)
[ Sam frowns. The worst part is not that Dean found out, but that everything Sam has said and will say will automatically be negated, no matter how true and heartfelt it was. Or still is. ]
...You know what? When I arrived here, I wasn't looking for the devil, Dean; I was looking for you. And dad. Because you two were the last things I saw before we got side-swiped by a semi.
[ He exhales sharply through his nose as he drops his hands to his sides. ]
I've listened to you tell me I'm the devil, I've heard Cas tell me how bleak your world is--I've heard Lucifer try and tell me that we understand each other. All this--this shit happens in my future. Everyone keeps telling me that's just what happens. People I don't even know tell me that they died because of me?
[ He shakes his head, his brows drawing together tightly as his mouth twitches. The tension in his shoulders straightens them hard. ]
I hate it. I hate listening to it all but I need to hear it. Because it sucks, because it's awful, because it's everything I don't want to happen. They're not lies, Dean. If--if I don't think I can change a damn thing about what's going to happen, about my future? Then what's the point of getting up in the morning? What's the point of going on at all?
Going behind everyone's back with the one thing that's the core of everything evil doesn't exactly inspire trust, Sam.
[ can't you see the fault in that. ]
What're you gonna do when he tells you he can make everything okay, make everyone happy and safe if you just say yes? Are you gonna do it then? It's only a matter of time before he traps you somehow-- just like he did before.
[ and then he'll lose you all over again. it's something he can barely let himself think about-- a fact that would destroy him and everyone else all over again. but most importantly, it would destroy sam. and he can't let that happen again, just can't.
he makes a sound somewhere between pain and frustration, like keeping himself from hitting sam is becoming too difficult again. ]
I've been such a fuckin' moron, thinkin' you're strong enough to stay away from him.
I know that. I know. But would you've reacted any differently if I told you?
[ Sam's heart tells him "no". Which is a big part of why he didn't share in the first place. The guilty conscience knew he'd get in trouble, knew Dean and everyone else would disapprove no matter what, and he didn't want that. Selfishly, he thought he could do it all on his own. ]
Don't you get it? I know they're lies. Nothing he can say or do will make me want to create a future like the one you're from, Dean.
[ He won't admit to the vain hope that Sam has that he's actually getting through to the devil. That would be one step too far for this Dean, for any Dean. Reasoning with Lucifer? Who does that? Sam didn't even think it was possible until Lucifer admitted to spending time pondering Sam's question of God's motivations. Asking Michael? It honestly bothered him enough to do it. To Sam, that says a lot.
Which is why he says nothing. ]
We have a deal; three questions and I get to name whoever I want and he doesn't get to lay a hand on them.
[ He omits the drunken promise he made about assuring to see Lucifer on a regular basis. ]
[ sorry sam all you say gets swept off the table at that one single word; deal. ]
You have a fucking deal with the devil? Sam-- what the fuck is wrong with you?!
[ he's going right for the lapels of his brother's jacket again, yanking and shaking him as much as he can, like he wants to throw the very thought from sam's head. it's all like before, just some alternate, twisted version but to him, sam is going down the same path, listening to lucifer's sweet words of whatever, making deals with him, making fucking deals with him-- ]
To think you trust him not to do that-- he's the fucking devil, Sam, he's Lucifer.
[ there's no trusting him. not ever. ]
What happens when he says you either give him into him or he kills everybody? What then?
[ He grabs Dean's wrists, trying to yank them off of his jacket. He knows it's difficult to reason with this version of his brother, but it's like Sam could say the sky is blue and he'd take it as an affront. Sam tries to push away, to put some space between them. ]
Either I take the chance that he might spare some peope now or I let him kill them later? I'm not saying "yes", Dean! I know it doesn't save anyone! How many times do I have to tell you that?! He's gonna find me no matter what I do. He's not gonna leave me alone while we're all stuck here. I'm trying to make the best out of a shitty situation!
[ dean doesn't let go, not until a beat later with something too close to a shove. have your fucking space, sam. ]
Tellin' me-- someone, anyone, should've been making the best out of a shitty situation, not fucking lying.
[ by now his breath is falling harder, and he feels the bitterness of defeat settle in. he's already failed to keep sam safe, to keep him from the devil. so now what?
now he follows the plans him and his other-self have, follows them without a second of hesitation, not a beat of feeling bad for sam. not when it's dire that they execute them now with the situation at this point. ]
But save the fucking excuses, Sam. We're done here.
I'm not lying, dammit! I mean everything I said! I just...--I just didn't mention this part. But I'm not gonna give in. I can't afford to.
[ He's begging, pleading for Dean to listen, to give him an ounce of faith. It had taken so long to get Dean to give him the time of day. It hurts to see it all destroyed in just a few minutes. ]
dean huffs, doesn't even let the dean, please drag him back, doesn't let it get to him like it so desperately wants to. instead he turns to the door he'd kicked down, not sparing sam so much as a look. ]
Save it, Sam.
[ and then he's gone. maybe for the better, considering he could still throw a punch or eight. ]
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no subject
And to hear it from him, instead of you.
[ at least he's not trying to punch you anymore, instead his voice is setting itself into that quiet, toneless hiss. the weight of the situation slowly settling over his shoulders... ]
What did you think was going to happen? Were you just gonna be his bitch for the rest of our stay here?
no subject
[ Lucifer told him?
Sam isn't sure what's worse; the fact that Dean had to learn it from the one creature they're trying to defeat or the fact that Sam honestly feels betrayed by something that he shouldn't have trust in at all. Sam swallows, still tense and not willing to test whether or not Dean feels like throwing more punches. ]
It's not like that-- [ He shakes his head, taking a step away from his brother. ] --I told him, I still tell him I'm not gonna say "yes". And I'm not. I promise.
no subject
[ the dismissal in his voice is definite. he doesn't trust sam, not one bit to not say yes. ]
I've heard that before.
[ and his brother had ended up saying yes, becoming lucifer's vessel, and been burned out just like that. dead in seconds, with dean left to hunt the monster down. ]
I don't believe a word comin' outta your mouth.
no subject
Did Dean ever believe him? ]
You want me to come clean?
[ He swallows, holding his arms out to each side; an open invitation for Dean to come at him if he wants. ]
I will. But you gotta listen to me.
no subject
Gonna feed me some new lie about hope and how this is a chance at something different? Fucking spare me, Sam. I don't care.
[ he's tempted to throw another punch or five, so tempted, but instead his fists remain at his sides, squeezing knuckle white. ]
And then run to him? What does he say, anyway? Something about not being so bad-- about how he's not the fuckin' monster that stole everything, who destroys lives left and right?
no subject
...You know what? When I arrived here, I wasn't looking for the devil, Dean; I was looking for you. And dad. Because you two were the last things I saw before we got side-swiped by a semi.
[ He exhales sharply through his nose as he drops his hands to his sides. ]
I've listened to you tell me I'm the devil, I've heard Cas tell me how bleak your world is--I've heard Lucifer try and tell me that we understand each other. All this--this shit happens in my future. Everyone keeps telling me that's just what happens. People I don't even know tell me that they died because of me?
[ He shakes his head, his brows drawing together tightly as his mouth twitches. The tension in his shoulders straightens them hard. ]
I hate it. I hate listening to it all but I need to hear it. Because it sucks, because it's awful, because it's everything I don't want to happen. They're not lies, Dean. If--if I don't think I can change a damn thing about what's going to happen, about my future? Then what's the point of getting up in the morning? What's the point of going on at all?
no subject
[ can't you see the fault in that. ]
What're you gonna do when he tells you he can make everything okay, make everyone happy and safe if you just say yes? Are you gonna do it then? It's only a matter of time before he traps you somehow-- just like he did before.
[ and then he'll lose you all over again. it's something he can barely let himself think about-- a fact that would destroy him and everyone else all over again. but most importantly, it would destroy sam. and he can't let that happen again, just can't.
he makes a sound somewhere between pain and frustration, like keeping himself from hitting sam is becoming too difficult again. ]
I've been such a fuckin' moron, thinkin' you're strong enough to stay away from him.
no subject
[ Sam's heart tells him "no". Which is a big part of why he didn't share in the first place. The guilty conscience knew he'd get in trouble, knew Dean and everyone else would disapprove no matter what, and he didn't want that. Selfishly, he thought he could do it all on his own. ]
Don't you get it? I know they're lies. Nothing he can say or do will make me want to create a future like the one you're from, Dean.
[ He won't admit to the vain hope that Sam has that he's actually getting through to the devil. That would be one step too far for this Dean, for any Dean. Reasoning with Lucifer? Who does that? Sam didn't even think it was possible until Lucifer admitted to spending time pondering Sam's question of God's motivations. Asking Michael? It honestly bothered him enough to do it. To Sam, that says a lot.
Which is why he says nothing. ]
We have a deal; three questions and I get to name whoever I want and he doesn't get to lay a hand on them.
[ He omits the drunken promise he made about assuring to see Lucifer on a regular basis. ]
no subject
You have a fucking deal with the devil? Sam-- what the fuck is wrong with you?!
[ he's going right for the lapels of his brother's jacket again, yanking and shaking him as much as he can, like he wants to throw the very thought from sam's head. it's all like before, just some alternate, twisted version but to him, sam is going down the same path, listening to lucifer's sweet words of whatever, making deals with him, making fucking deals with him-- ]
To think you trust him not to do that-- he's the fucking devil, Sam, he's Lucifer.
[ there's no trusting him. not ever. ]
What happens when he says you either give him into him or he kills everybody? What then?
no subject
[ He grabs Dean's wrists, trying to yank them off of his jacket. He knows it's difficult to reason with this version of his brother, but it's like Sam could say the sky is blue and he'd take it as an affront. Sam tries to push away, to put some space between them. ]
Either I take the chance that he might spare some peope now or I let him kill them later? I'm not saying "yes", Dean! I know it doesn't save anyone! How many times do I have to tell you that?! He's gonna find me no matter what I do. He's not gonna leave me alone while we're all stuck here. I'm trying to make the best out of a shitty situation!
no subject
Tellin' me-- someone, anyone, should've been making the best out of a shitty situation, not fucking lying.
[ by now his breath is falling harder, and he feels the bitterness of defeat settle in. he's already failed to keep sam safe, to keep him from the devil. so now what?
now he follows the plans him and his other-self have, follows them without a second of hesitation, not a beat of feeling bad for sam. not when it's dire that they execute them now with the situation at this point. ]
But save the fucking excuses, Sam. We're done here.
no subject
[ He's begging, pleading for Dean to listen, to give him an ounce of faith. It had taken so long to get Dean to give him the time of day. It hurts to see it all destroyed in just a few minutes. ]
Dean, please.
no subject
dean huffs, doesn't even let the dean, please drag him back, doesn't let it get to him like it so desperately wants to. instead he turns to the door he'd kicked down, not sparing sam so much as a look. ]
Save it, Sam.
[ and then he's gone. maybe for the better, considering he could still throw a punch or eight. ]